This is going to be horrible of me to say, but I kind of dread church on Sundays for the summer because the sermons are never as meaningful as the ones Matt Carter/ASCC pastors preach. I think it’s where the conservatism of Asian culture comes into play. But I was surprised this past Sunday.

He talked about prayer as an excuse not to love. When instead of physically going out to visit someone, to help someone, to support someone, you say, “I’ll be praying for you.” It places distance between you and the other person because you are not directly connected in any beneficial way. Of course, prayer is very important, yes, but he called us all out: why are we not helping directly if we can?

We use prayer as an excuse not to love, as a podium to hide behind instead of being vulnerable and available to help someone else in need.

It’s hard for me. On both ends. There are times when I do just resort to prayer instead of actually doing something I am able to. And there are times when I’m bitter that people are not doing more to help me but rather simply resorting to prayer.

I’m still growing. still learning. still failing. but most importantly, still holding on.

Is graduating supposed to feel this empty? I feel like it should feel more…”accomplishing” than how I feel now. But instead, I feel pretty empty and lost.

It was never truly about graduating in three years. It was always about chasing after something meaningful. Maybe once I get to China, I won’t feel this melancholy.

The world. Chasing after one “dream” after another…

I’m just sad.

bought my first wedding gift for a girl who’s getting married in my cohort. reality is sinking in.

life is catching up to me…

1. He graduated from UT

2. He married a really, really pretty woman

3. He baptized his own wife (I haven’t found proof of this…but I heard it on the radio this morning)

4. He baptized his own wife in David Crowder’s backyard pool.

Seriously!? Seriously…

Is it biblical to be taken advantage of? Serving is one thing, but being taken advantage of is another.

Where’s the line?

I wrote about spiritual warfare in my last post, and since then, I think it’s gotten worse. Ever since I started student teaching, my schedule has been insane:

8-5 = commuting + teaching

5-6:30 = my time. sometimes, this is taken up by cooking, running errands or meetings.

6:30-8 = training

8-10:30 = cooking, grading, homework, etc.

Needless to say, I’ve been exhausted, and Satan knows how to take advantage of that. Everything that has come up has begun to deter me from wanting to go overseas. The complications in paperwork. Little things here and there. Getting everything in order. Paying extra fees to have things delivered on time or shipped, or having to redo things because they weren’t done right the first time.

I’ve thought about not going. But then, I would be running, running from the one thing I should be facing. Every now and then, I’ve talked to people and shared, but I just really, really need prayer right now.

There’s something about interpersonal relationships that changes death. Even one conversation, one glance, one moment of contact changes everything.

I’m grieving on the inside.

I have way too many blogs to really keep up with all of them or truly post anything noteworthy. I guess that means every now and then I pick a random one to write on. Today, I picked tumblr.

In the last week or so, I think I’ve felt a lot of spiritual warfare in my life. I don’t know if you believe in spiritual warfare

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Dear Child,

you see the way he treats you, how he fails to love you like he should. you are hurting by his negligence and inability to be who you want him to be. you see his carelessness and nonchalance. he doesn’t look at you like he used to. he doesn’t love you like he used to. and you are hurting deeply inside. and you ask Me to help you. you ask Me to lead you and guide you. My guidance to you came in the form of loss when you lost him. and it hurt, for a long time, perhaps even now, it still does. But through My guidance is when you realized that in all the ways he failed to love you, you failed to love Me. the way you treated Me. how you failed to love Me like you should. I am hurting by your negligence and inability to be who I want you to be. I see your carelessness and nonchalance. you don’t look at Me like you used to. you don’t love Me like you used to. and I am hurting deeply inside.

But the difference is that I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. I will love you like nobody else can. So before anyone else can love you like he should, how are you loving Me?

My teaching cohort had a party tonight. I feel so blessed to be a part of the major I chose, and to be able to graduate with the girls I do. A lot of things had to happen the way they did in order for this to occur. I don’t believe anything happens by coincidence. But most of all, I think I found meaning to graduate in three years. To graduate an entire year early.

And best of all, it’s not because I’m trying to escape the grip of my past life. It’s not because I’m trying to get married to someone who doesn’t love me the way he should. It’s not because I want to rush into the real world.

Well, all of those reasons were true, either at some point, or still in part, but most of all, the reason I am so grateful to be graduating early is because I was meant to be where I am and meet the people I’ve met. It was meant for me to go through the experiences I did in the time that I have.

But most of all, I’ve found a love between twenty girls that would never have formed exactly the way it did if I were not one of the twenty.

Most of all, I look at one of my cohort girls. I look up to her a lot. Sadly, I didn’t get to truly know her until this semester, and we only have one semester left, but I do love her. Her story is amazing. She’s getting married next summer to a man who loves her, and a man she loves.

Her story is beautiful, but it’s not beautiful because of her happy ending. Her story is beautiful because of all the brokenness behind it. And how she came out changed, better, in the end. The change is beautiful.

I looked over her shoulder and read her text as she was typing. Not to be nosy or anything. It’s actually quite sweet. But most of all, I think what I realized was that no man has ever treated me the way her fiance treats her. And I shouldn’t want to settle for anything less than that. I shouldn’t have to.

My happy ending will come. I know it. But until then, I will be fine. And I can smile, because I know I have a beautiful story to come as well :)

Sometimes, I don’t know what my place is as a friend. Not so much I don’t know my place, but I don’t know how others see me and how much or they expect from me.

I’m the jack of all trades but master of none. I want to do everything, but in order to do everything, I will never be a master of anything. Life is too hard to do everything. I wanted to be the exception, but in wanting to be the exception, I proved myself to be no different.

I always feel like I’m something to everyone. But I will never be everything to someone.

相爱珍贵
学好保养
不想当然
要不,失败